Part 2: A SOPRANO-MANIAC’S SELF-SEARCHING AND DR. MELFI-TONY REWIND.–AND MY DREAM HISTORY.
“Dr. Melfy’s Dream-Hand trapped in the Cola vending machine as aggressive wolf-dog threatens her!”
In case you missed it –>[HERE]<–
This kind of dream is only too familiar to me. Twenty years ago, my nights were endlessly filled with such hostile images. My days were, I think, rational and not much different than any other single 27 year old, on her own, slightly depressed and lonely after the death of her mother.
I started writing a dream diary and to self-analyze. This helped me to make necessary transitions that were later to occur. It may also explain my hyper-identification with the Soprano TV Saga.
Naturally for publication, I’ve had to omit and clean up some of my more beastly dreams. Mostly those, which involved important persons, in my early life, still present in it today. I am not trying (today) to beat up anyone from the past. At the time of the dreams I very clearly felt emotionally abused and desired revenge. Moreover, feared the hostility returning onto me. Compulsions, doubts, anxieties, hate, envy, jealousy, denial and frustrations all filled my dream world then. You would not believe this quiet mild mannered, inhibited, secretary at xyz Corp. could have any such thoughts, day or night.
My crumpled old brown spiral bound composition book with faded handwriting lies before me- as if the Dead Sea scrolls.
I recall. I started with a #2 yellow pencil (from work) and the clean new pages. I was like an infant who on feeling distressed becomes aware that it is up to himself to do something about his distress, yet not sure of any power to do so.
It seemed my (for the book dreams) were mild compared to dreams a few weeks earlier- dreams I no longer recalled, except that they were unpleasant.
The fresh dreams seemed silly and confused and at the time I tried to ‘analyze’ each element as ’symbols’, treating each item something like in the chance appearances of symbols generated by passes of Tarot Cards (a system known to me from childhood play.) This worked well to relate simple ideas to some parts of my life and wishes. Also I was able to draw on Rosicrucian studies, which I was making at the same time, it was useful in setting the content into a mystic universal that I was not resposible for. The old dream interpretation books available offered mixed warnings, desires and fate capriciously. All this was interesting, but hardly ever advancing my understanding of my own dreams to my satisfaction. I was at the time, a total newby to authentic dream analysis. You will discover I learned as I went along.
The Very First Dream Book Entry 6-30-xx two dreams in one night. Mild dull stuff hardly worth any intelligent person wasting their time on. What’s the big deal? There is nothing here at all, revealing of anything. Do you agree?
#1 It seemed to me my kitten squeezed its face together-in my dream-like it did when it got its foot caught in the refrigerator door.
#2 Like in a movie -I saw 3 girls- all trying to get a man- but the men were escaping -one went out thr front way-because he was my girl friend’s boy friend and I let her go after him and when I went out- they were kissing in the hall entrance - Then I went into the kitchen-took out of the refrigerator one of many frozen little valentines - In the hearts symbols shape -and left it out a few minutes to start it melting-I pushed in back into shape and put it back in the freezer with the others.
May 30, 2009 [This was my post #1.]
Why and How I Do My Self-Analysis -(JoAnn) “CRYBABYSTILL”- Invited Guest Blogger. BUT- first the Irrational reasons I started it. 1. The Sopranos (Renewed old fascination. 2. Dull Life 3. Internet Broadband
Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: Dr Melfi, Psychoanalysis, Sociopath, Therapy, Tony Soprano — admin @ 9:00 pm
My husband says I am a blabbermouth and recommends I should concentrate on that. I guess he is right as that trait forces me to present my story in several parts. This is number one and the rest are about to come. I influenced the editor to put links to the Tony Soprano-Dr Melfi exchanges in the Blogroll so that you won’t have me sent to the funny farm.WHY and How I Do My Self-Analysis -(JoAnn) “CRYBABYSTILL”- Invited Guest Blogger. BUT- first the Irrational reasons I started it.
1. The Sopranos a fascination.
2. Dull Life
3. Internet Broadband
I felt, even years back, I could benefit from psychoanalysis. This was not exactly a rational wish. Of course and I had both attraction, resistance and even a little embarrassment at the thought of being psychoanalyzed at all, in any form modern cognitive in a chair, or on grandfather Freud’s couch. In fact, I never was able to justify the seeking any professional help. I imagined I would be laughed at for admitting the only dumb reason I had to offer was that I wanted to explore me. This desire for analysis was not new with me, it had formed over the years, mainly from the movie versions of psychotherapists. I understood there nearly everything was
dramatically distorted to make some story work. Most these movie stories were of the patient having some dark guilt haunting him, causing murderous bad dreams, strange symptoms, dizzy spells, phobias, compulsions, kleptomania, amnesia, These all resolved when the mind doctor uncovered and exposed the cause, which was something dramatically horrible, repressed and forgotten. From this and some various reality checks I made myself, I came to see I had as desire for analysis with an image of receiving hopeful understanding, forgiveness and painless repair. And on the other hand images of crafty blackmailers, Svengali’s who took your very soul and used it for their own perverse purposes. As a further considered was the sexual undertones of the couch and thoughts of venerability or desire for sex as a magical solution for something missing in my life. I feared things like that being being cleverly being exposed (or I really wanted to confessed too) from my memories. How could I ever own up and face my not repressed at all occasional mind-boggling sexual fantasies, and my now and then awareness my unwonted traits, ones with traces of avarice, envy and hatred which I struggled with in adolescence. And Oh Yeah- as when I did not get my way as a child I felt I was being abused and misunderstood. Also I believed, that I was for the most part a textbook example of normal adjusted adult and feared being laughed at for even presenting myself for any sort of authentic counseling or therapy. Yet still I was yearning to explore in myself what was the mysterious unconscious that my movie and TV therapists were so often referring to? Was it really the authentic unconscious of Freud and Jung? Where dreams, fantasies, complexes, repression’s and aberration really to be taken seriously as being part of me? I am a prolific dreamer, I dream every night, I fantasize often, watch lots of TV, read a few romance novels. Is that neurotic, self-indulgent or what? I have over all a strong bond to my family, my aberration’s are minor, but aberrations nevertheless. But it was actually, the Sopranos Saga (all seven seasons) that really got to me thinking about psychoanalysis and possibility of a psychoanalysis self-performed (Quirky I thought at the time.) I understood, the role of Dr. Melfi treating the criminal sociopath, Tony Soprano but I found I wanted to scream to her.”Change him”- YET, knowing-how dull the story would de if she succeeded. I felt like both she and Tony- fictional characters as though they are–were somehow both aspects of a split self or something I also had a vague connection to. Could I somehow echo this split at some deeply repressed level? I craved to know. Irrational as it may seem to me now, the stupid story fired my interest in analyzing myself, Am I crazy?, Am I just over identifying?– I said to myself- all this stuff is way out of my league. Still stuff entering both, my TV view and some echo in my head kept stirring asking how or what would you do if you if you had the opportunity to be psychoanalyzed? I don’t know. As the show continued I had the dumb thought; If I don’t analyze Dr. Melfi she is never going to help gangster, Tony. None of this made sense until I replaced Dr. Melfi with that part of myself that aimed at being helpful yet had failed to be truly helpful to my own related family members, where family feuds, abuse, alcoholism, divorce, vindictiveness and suicide, fills out the genealogical chart. This is an the helpful self I would like to be and Tony with a self that never could really be. I also began to note content entering my own dream world. I found I was doing a kind of rewrite of some the scenes of Melfi-Tony therapy sessions. As early as the third season in my dreams I was telling Tony to get back seriously to his apparently very intermittent analysis that was not producing any results and he was becoming an increasingly violent antisocial murderous no-good. End Part 1. First sparks of the desire to psychoanalysis myself are starting to start small fires in my head that are about get hot but not yet a conflagration
Coming Next: Part 2: A SOPRANO-MANIAC’S SELF-SEARCHING AND DR. MELFI-TONY REWIND.
Next post- I open my dream book from twenty years back and you can help me analyze it!! [Now at top of page.]
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